Remove the stems from the kale and slice the kale into 1/2" (1.25cm) ribbons. Wash and dry the kale ribbons well using a salad spinner, or by rolling the ribbons in a clean dish towel and patting dry. Transfer the kale ribbons to a large bowl.
Add 2 cloves garlic, 2 Tablespoons lemon juice, 2 Tablespoons apple cider vinegar, 1 Tablespoon fish sauce, ½ teaspoon dijon mustard, ¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper, and ½ cup mayonnaise to a large measuring cup, or the blending container of an immersion blender (or use a regular blender, or whisk by hand in a large bowl). Blend until uniform. While blending, slowly drizzle in 1/4 cup olive oil. The dressing should become a little thicker. Stir in ¼ cup grated Parmesan cheese.
Pour about half to 3/4 of the dressing over the kale ribbons in the bowl (reserve the remaining dressing for later). Toss the kale with the dressing until evenly coated (if it doesn't seem like there's enough dressing to coat all of the kale, add more). Cover the bowl and transfer to the fridge to rest for at least an hour, or up to 4 hours. The dressing will tenderize the kale and make it more pleasant to eat raw.
Pat the halloumi dry, and cut it into 1/2-3/4" (1.25-2cm) cubes. Heat a large non-stick skillet over medium heat and add 1 Tablespoon olive oil. Add the cubed halloumi to the skillet and cook, stirring often, until golden brown on all sides.
Toss the dressed kale again to redistribute any dressing that may have settled. Divide the kale evenly between bowls (4 bowls for entree portions, or up to 8 bowls for appetizer/side portions) and top with fried halloumi. Drizzle with remaining dressing, if desired.
Make Now Version
Remove the stems from the kale and slice the kale into 1/2" (1.25cm) ribbons. Wash and dry the kale ribbons well using a salad spinner, or by rolling the ribbons in a clean dish towel and patting dry. Transfer the kale ribbons to a large bowl. Sprinkle 1 teaspoon lemon juice, 1/2 teaspoon olive oil, and 1/4 teaspoon kosher salt over the kale, and use your hands (use gloves if your hands are dry or sensitive) to massage it into the kale to tenderize the kale. Continue following the recipe above from step 2.